I went back to the mainland to finish up this business of moving to an island, and while I was there I tried to balance out the hectic-ness and stress with yoga and sauna.  I was only expecting yoga glow and post-shavansana bliss to help me through the things that I was dealing with in my life at that time.  I got a very unexpected surprise.  The immediate affect was like waking up on Christmas (grumpy) and finding not gifts under the tree, but bags of garbage.  .
Yoga has been know to bring out a lot of emotions in people.  The only ones that I had previously experienced were tears in the forms of both sadness of release and euporhia.  I knew that yoga establishes a mind-body-spirit connection, what I did not realize was that there are other surprises that might arise...
Is it because I am getting more effective at the poses?  Is my flexibility causing deeper release and therefore more pent up emotions and hurts are coming out?  I walked around in an enraged fog for about 3 days.  There was not actually anything bothering me, i just was pissed.  I could not for the life of me figure out what on earth was going on...it was not PMS irritability, or someone and I were in disagreement or something of that nature.  The this I was experiencing was pure rage, anger in a very very scary form.  It was so bad, that I literally could not see straight, nothing was making sense...
         I use to tell people that I don't usually get angry, that it takes quite a bit to actually get mad and I that I rarely lose my temper...well, all of that was kind of true...you can ask my closest friends if they have ever seen me lose it, or get angry.  Most likely not.  That was part of a running dialogue that I keep with myself.  Everyone does it.  Though the script may vary from person to person, we tell ourselves things that we want to believe are true about ourselves, and therefore think them until our actions are reflections of our thoughts.  We all want to be a certain type of person......a happy person, a hardworking person, a bitchy person, a motivated person, a spunky person, an intelligent person, a flawless person......I wanted to be NOT my mother.  That sounds harsh if you are not familiar with out relationship, but before you judge (WHO does this girl think she is???) let me assure you, there are universal actions that should not be carried on through the generations.  I wanted/ want to be a kind person.
  I pondered and I wandered, and thunk my little thoughts...and the more I could not figure out what was going on , and the longer the anger lasted the more frustrated I got with myself for feeling it, because I really do not enjoy that certain emotion..I was fighting it tooth and nail, trying everything I could think of to make it go away.  What saved me in the end was very simple.  I decided that i needed to stop trying to define myself as "not an angry person" that I "didn't get mad".  As soon as I gave into the feeling of anger, and let it run its course through me, as soon as I acknowledged it as an emotion that was OK for me to have. IT DISAPPEARED. I'm not talking the next day, or with in the hour...I'm talking (snap!!!!) like that!
I grew up in a very violent household, where there was always screaming and crying and fighting.  There was a lot of anger, be borne of frustration, or hatred, or sorrow, or fear, I will most likely never really know, but it was there.  The only way that i was ever shown to deal with anger was to be physically or verbally abusive to another person.   As an adult and a young adult, I tried my darnedest to stay as far away from that as possible...or so i thought....Just because I was saying that something didn't make me angry, it might have, and instead of being angry and being in the moment and dealing with it, I stored it away, and little by little, that combined with many many painful childhood memories,  I think I built up and giant ball of anger.  I truly believe that it was released and took 3 days to work its way through my brain and my heart, and once I let it go, I was empty.  Not empty in a bad way.  Like there had been a tumor on my heart that was gone, like I had been holding my breath for years and years and let it all out in a giant wooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................   I was breathing again.
Anger is just another emotion, like happiness or sadness...it might be a little scarier, but it is just as important and viable as the other ones that might seem a little easier to swallow.  I literally get uncomfortable when I am angry...physically uncomfortable.  I think now that I have allowed myself to be angry when I am angry, hopefully i wont store anymore unnecessary crap that is keeping me from being the best Susann I can be.
Growing up is really hard....I turn 31 in January and I cant even come close to believing that I am an adult.  I guess it is all in the definition of that term.  Perhaps I should just know that the "growing" part of that statement is a never ending process, that you don't hit a certain age and become grown, or that you  are never not going to learn something you didn't know before...
I suppose the closest thing to knowing everything, or anything is to know that you truly know nothing at all, and keep growing, and pushing my way up towards the sun...