Crash!

   I love to play it safe.  In fact, if there was a sippy cup for grown ups, I would use that.  I find myself imaging the WORST possible outcome for most situations lest I am caught off guard and I have to deal with the unfathomable...(a desperate man needs a kidney and waits around the corner of a building to relieve me of my one good one.)  I thought for a while that maybe I was just being cautious, (safety first!) and (better safe than sorry!)....but I began to realize that I was not just being safe, that I actually am terrified of everything....big concert venues, tubing behind a speed boat,  even crowded movie theaters, people i have never met, can make me a little more than nervous.  I find myself scoping out the nearest exit, lest zombie outbreak should occur and its every woman for herself.

I hate going places that I have never been before and that seem complicated to find my way out of,  I'm not a huge fan of crowds or trying to get through them, and even everyday things that  most people do for fun...they scare the shit out of me.  I began to put the pieces to together and there is an element of control to all of these.  These things, for me, can almost always be traced back to my childhood.  You have no control as a child, in fact you have less than that...you trust others to take care of you and protect you.  When you have a childhood like mine, i think as soon as you obtain some control of your life, you tend not to trust other people.  You believe that you can only trust yourself.

     I have started saying yes so much more when I would have said no.  I started to go places and experience things that normally I would have said no to, because well, you can fit 50,000 people into the LA Colosseum for Monster Massive, and when they are all on Ecstasy, asking directions to the nearest exit is mostly frustrating when the place is burning down.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the Fox Theater was I think the first time I had ever allowed myself to be in a situation that I was not familiar with and had no control over, lest some sort of biological warfare was unleashed in Oakland.  I was stuck 3 rows back in a crowded pit surrounded by hundreds of sweating, screaming, intoxicated people that were all shoving and pushing and mostly much bigger than I am.  This I considered high on my list of unsafe things to do, given my size and poor eyesight.  I could have at any moment been swept underfoot and trampled to death by a drunken roaring crowd, my screams lost in the wail of the crowds and Karen O's garage punk screams.  But it was SO fun!  I think I learned that you gotta push back against that wave of humans all vying for that spot at the front, elbow, if you have to... keep in the moment, don't panic, and LET GO and have some fun for once!  I did it too, well with the help of my giant tall husband and Jack Daniels I was shoving and screaming along with the crowd, never once looked for the emergency exit and instead marveled at the beautiful theater, listen to the song from our first dance LIVE, and even made some friends.

           But it is the things that happen when I am not paying attention that remind me that no matter how hard you plan for the Apocalypse, its the little things that actually suck.  

Watching Shark Week! on the Discovery Channel rendered me motionless near the shore of the ocean, not because I could see anything at all, but it was of what i could not see that scared me the most...am I near a sandbar?  Was I wearing anything that glinted in the sun light?  Is it dusk?  Is anyone near me ovulating?  Might I point out that I grew up in the ocean;  that I have been caught in rip tides 6 different times and swam hard (parallel to the shore of course) to get back in and never had it occurred to me NOT to go back in?  But one week of watching people and other fish getting torn to shreds and losing limbs and I was motionless.  As I backed slowly towards my towel, lest a killer whale surf up to grab a little fast food on his way home, I stepped on a bee.  Now that fucking hurt.  It was a painfully clear metaphor that zapped me right out of my shark week coma and back to earth.  While I was so worried about a relatively benign threat (really what are the chances of getting attacked by a shark that close to shore in southern California?) that I was not paying attention to the real things right at my feet, that I am allergic to.  A very small and sharp truth that I will remember for the rest of my life.  Dont worry about things you cant control, pay attention to your life, it is happening RIGHT NOW.

  In my seemingly safe, boring and well prepared life (ah but that is another blog)  I find myself making lists and waying the pros and cons of every decision I make.  It sounds like not a terrible thing to do, but when I do it about EVERYTHING, when I keep all control in my life and never let go because I am so afraid of stupid shit that is most likely never going to happen...I am limiting myself from countless possibilites, memories and a life well lived...so I did something about it.  I did, what seemed to me, to date, my most reckless and unsafe decision.  Take a motorcycle ride through Wahewa with a 60 year old man named Crash I had just met at a bar, on a drizzly night.  I made a list, you bet your sweet bippy I did.  NOT safe...at all.  I did have a helmet though, and a jacket....But in the grand scheme of things, I think i had to prove to myself that I had the ability to let go, to hand over all control to someone I had never met, and that I would be ok.  And I was. Totally fine.  This doesnt mean that I will continue on a path of recklessness and thrill seeking, that is a little too much for me!  I will, however, hopefully live my life bigger, and bolder and take more chances and write less mental lists, stop looking for emergency exits and stop imaging worst case senarios for my everyday life.

  I went back to the mainland to finish up this business of moving to an island, and while I was there I tried to balance out the hectic-ness and stress with yoga and sauna.  I was only expecting yoga glow and post-shavansana bliss to help me through the things that I was dealing with in my life at that time.  I got a very unexpected surprise.  The immediate affect was like waking up on Christmas (grumpy) and finding not gifts under the tree, but bags of garbage.  .
Yoga has been know to bring out a lot of emotions in people.  The only ones that I had previously experienced were tears in the forms of both sadness of release and euporhia.  I knew that yoga establishes a mind-body-spirit connection, what I did not realize was that there are other surprises that might arise...
Is it because I am getting more effective at the poses?  Is my flexibility causing deeper release and therefore more pent up emotions and hurts are coming out?  I walked around in an enraged fog for about 3 days.  There was not actually anything bothering me, i just was pissed.  I could not for the life of me figure out what on earth was going on...it was not PMS irritability, or someone and I were in disagreement or something of that nature.  The this I was experiencing was pure rage, anger in a very very scary form.  It was so bad, that I literally could not see straight, nothing was making sense...
         I use to tell people that I don't usually get angry, that it takes quite a bit to actually get mad and I that I rarely lose my temper...well, all of that was kind of true...you can ask my closest friends if they have ever seen me lose it, or get angry.  Most likely not.  That was part of a running dialogue that I keep with myself.  Everyone does it.  Though the script may vary from person to person, we tell ourselves things that we want to believe are true about ourselves, and therefore think them until our actions are reflections of our thoughts.  We all want to be a certain type of person......a happy person, a hardworking person, a bitchy person, a motivated person, a spunky person, an intelligent person, a flawless person......I wanted to be NOT my mother.  That sounds harsh if you are not familiar with out relationship, but before you judge (WHO does this girl think she is???) let me assure you, there are universal actions that should not be carried on through the generations.  I wanted/ want to be a kind person.
  I pondered and I wandered, and thunk my little thoughts...and the more I could not figure out what was going on , and the longer the anger lasted the more frustrated I got with myself for feeling it, because I really do not enjoy that certain emotion..I was fighting it tooth and nail, trying everything I could think of to make it go away.  What saved me in the end was very simple.  I decided that i needed to stop trying to define myself as "not an angry person" that I "didn't get mad".  As soon as I gave into the feeling of anger, and let it run its course through me, as soon as I acknowledged it as an emotion that was OK for me to have. IT DISAPPEARED. I'm not talking the next day, or with in the hour...I'm talking (snap!!!!) like that!
I grew up in a very violent household, where there was always screaming and crying and fighting.  There was a lot of anger, be borne of frustration, or hatred, or sorrow, or fear, I will most likely never really know, but it was there.  The only way that i was ever shown to deal with anger was to be physically or verbally abusive to another person.   As an adult and a young adult, I tried my darnedest to stay as far away from that as possible...or so i thought....Just because I was saying that something didn't make me angry, it might have, and instead of being angry and being in the moment and dealing with it, I stored it away, and little by little, that combined with many many painful childhood memories,  I think I built up and giant ball of anger.  I truly believe that it was released and took 3 days to work its way through my brain and my heart, and once I let it go, I was empty.  Not empty in a bad way.  Like there had been a tumor on my heart that was gone, like I had been holding my breath for years and years and let it all out in a giant wooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................   I was breathing again.
Anger is just another emotion, like happiness or sadness...it might be a little scarier, but it is just as important and viable as the other ones that might seem a little easier to swallow.  I literally get uncomfortable when I am angry...physically uncomfortable.  I think now that I have allowed myself to be angry when I am angry, hopefully i wont store anymore unnecessary crap that is keeping me from being the best Susann I can be.
Growing up is really hard....I turn 31 in January and I cant even come close to believing that I am an adult.  I guess it is all in the definition of that term.  Perhaps I should just know that the "growing" part of that statement is a never ending process, that you don't hit a certain age and become grown, or that you  are never not going to learn something you didn't know before...
I suppose the closest thing to knowing everything, or anything is to know that you truly know nothing at all, and keep growing, and pushing my way up towards the sun...

Location. Location. Location

I have been in Hawaii for a little under 3 weeks, and I can not even being to explain the difference the weather is having on me  It is warm here ALL THE TIME.  It might rain a little, or a lot, still warm.  It might be midnight or 3am, or October.....still warm.  Sometimes its down right hot, humid, tropical...i LOVE IT.  There is something sexy about being sweaty and wet and humid....

But most importantly, I feel like my body is starting to alkalize and my eating habits have been impacted Immensely.  There is a giant crazy difference in the way that my body has decided that it needs, or doesn't need calories.  For example, because it is always warm here, I am not really hungry, snacky, munchy like I usually am.  Its like the heat turns off the little bear in my brain that is saying, store up for winter...Its going to be a long one!  Which is how I feel in Humboldt, ALL the time.  The weather has this emotional and psychological affect on me that is so powerful, it has started to affect me in a physical manner, aka weight gain.  Not to mention the fact that waking up every morning ( really rather, sleeping in until like noon, i call it depression sleeping) to grey cloudy skies and bummer rain that lasts for months (well, it seems that way anyways...)  really was starting to take a toll on me.  I am already prone to depression, and that was not helping....which makes me want to eat comforting carby foods....and in Humboldt winter, spring, most of summer weather, is things like macaroni and cheese, or chicken pot pie (from scratch of course)....and always a nice glass of vino

In Kailua, I wake up around 8 am ( i NEVER do that!) to warm sunny skies and warm breezes filling the house with sweet smelling air.  I WANT to get out of bed, and I WANT to eat something light and not too filling, maybe some hot tea....I WANT to walk 4 miles to the beach and back and grab a quick swim while I am there.  I don't even think for a second about something heavy or starchy or filling, cause it is just too dang warm for that!!  I literally only crave foods that are cool and light....grilled fish with cabbage and cilantro slaw (no mayo).. And water?  I thought that I use to drink a lot of water...woo wheeee!  Not even close to amount I am chugging every day now!  Not to mention the fact that i don't have an oven, which is good.  There is just something about living here that makes me want to LIVE...more so than Humboldt...Humboldt is really a very lovely area, and it is chocked full of places and people and food that I love, but I think that I am just too sensitive to the weather there to prosper as an individual human being.  Its so crazy to not have to leave an extra sweater in the car or always be wearing one.  

As you have more than likely established. I am in LOVE with this place.  I feel like it makes it easier for me to be the person that I want to be, a better and healthier version that runs and swims and does more yoga, not the she-bear hiding in her den and storing calories and carbs for the longer winter.

Aloha

Im sitting in our new (to us) apt in Kailuah looking out over mountains and palm trees and banana trees, geckos and a bitchin swimming pool.  My handsome husband is brushing his teeth and I feel so at home already and it has only been less than 24 hours and one giant cockroach.  There is this amazing smell in the air that peremeates everything.  Pictures to follow....
I am only here for a little less than a month, but I already cant wait to come home and truely be home.

ps, there are 7 korean bbq places in a 5 mile radius from here ;)

As the shadow follows the body, as we think, so we become."

I cant tell you how good that felt. Honestly. The thing in life that I am always searching for is change and growth. I believe that stagnation equals death. I like to believe life is somewhat like a flowing river, all the water constantly being moved and oxygenated, clean and alive. To become still, it would be more like a lake....stale, mossy, and murky. That is not to say that things can not live in a lake, they do, but the vibrancy of the water itself is not a rushing river. I am afraid that I was becoming stagnant. After writing that blog, and having so much clarity and perspective in my life was like climbing a mountain, realizing that I was finally at the top and breathing in and looking back at all that I had accomplished. Turning around on my proverbial mountain, of course I began to look forward and see the many many mountains that are in front of me. I smiled. I smiled HUGE. To be in a position where I finally understand that I AM the one in control of my life. It is not food, or my emotions, or my job, or my family...

My weight was/ is huge part of what is going on with me, but now I realize it was much more symptomatic to a larger, more underlying problem. I have always known that it was not the actual source of the problem, but a symptom of things internal that needed attention. I just never knew how to get that deep in...

Weight for me has been a way to hide. When things happen to you that make you want to never have attention from anyone, you find ways to disappear. I could have run everyday for the rest of my life and still had a problem with my weight and food and my emotions. I could have been 115 pounds and still struggle. I needed to get to the root of this problem. I needed to understand that not all people are bad, that I am safe. I have gotten most of this from being with Trev.
I look out at life now and I am really starting to not be so worried all the time. Growing up in household where violent screaming banshees seemed to materialize out of nowhere tends to scare the shit out of you when you are a small child. This tends to in turn make you want to hide and be SO careful of every thing, and everyone, and worry...

I am done worrying. Shit happens. It does. Cysts rupture on your ovaries, your grandfather might die, or all 3 in 2 years....you might not see your husband for 3 months, and your mother just might be so bat shit crazy you cant even talk to her...But guess what. This too shall pass.
I cant go through life worrying about being 5 minuets late, or getting a parking spot, or what is for dinner, or did i make enough food for everyone, or what will they think if I am fat... or the other 30,000 little things that make up a giant load of worry that I carry around everyday. Thing will work themselves out one way or another...

I am done hiding. I am ready to be out in the world, and although I understand that there will always be bad people and problems, and yes, bad things can still happen, but so can very good amazing things. I married the most amazing man I have met. I have loving, caring, wonderful friends that i can not live with out. I want to GO! BE! I cant wait.

I have been given hope. There is so much good in this world and love and damn it, I deserve ALL of it. friends that have been my rocks in this difficult time.

Simply Be

So. Because I never finish anything that i start, I am making an attempt here to pick this up again, and try my best. I have continued on this journey of self discovery and in re-reading my past blogs, almost incoherent ramblings, I realize that I was kind of floundering in the shallow end of the pool....doggy paddling furiously when all i really needed to do is to stand firmly on both legs, close my eyes, breath in deeply, and dive in....

In re-reading my past blogs, I am so glad that i wrote them, as crazy as they sound to me now, it provides for me, an excellent mile marker/comparison to where I was and where I am now, and where I would like to go.

If you are not aware of my current situation, which you most likely are not, since I have not blogged in 6 months, Trevor got a job as a Marine Tech on the KOA and KM, 2 research vessels from the University of Hawaii. He left July 6Th...About 5 weeks ago.

This was, apparently, the kind of change i needed to be able to focus, with out judgement or concern on myself. Please understand, that is not to say that I do not miss my husband with my whole heart everyday and am saddened that we are not together. It has, however created a space that I can work on myself in.

I am no longer bar tending, I quit my job and now work as front desk at Omshala for free yoga.

Yoga has taught me so many things.

Be present...
This seems like such a simple thing, and yet, we don't really do it. it is WAY too easy to just hurl myself, headlong into my days, my life, trying to keep the momentum and speed that i need just, it seems, to get through the day....Is that really living?
What quality is that if I see everyday as just another thing to get through, instead of something that I am blessed with and enjoy...regardless of the person who cuts me off in traffic, or the grumpy person on the other end of the phone.

Be Aware...
Awareness....Not only of my surroundings, but the way that i affect every single thing that i come into contact with, I touch, I smile ( or don't smile at), speak with, even look at... i cant even imagine, how much nicer the world would be if every person harnessed a little more of that ability to see things a little differently.

Be still....
I have had problems sleeping my whole life. Once in a while my brain gets itself so wrapped around a problem, or a person, or an insult, or a wrong I feel was commit ed against me that i literally feel like I can not turn it off. I am learning slowly to shut my brain down...not off completely, but to a different level... a level that lets me turn inward and quiet my ever buzzing thoughts. This in turn allows me to see the world more clearly and it is such a beautiful place when you stop taking things personally and start realizing that everyone has something going on that is affecting them in someway, and that love is always a nice response and option.

Be kind to yourself...
Kind on so many different levels...emotionally, physically, mentally.
Don't judge yourself....be as understanding to your own needs that you would be to a friend that you love dearly, family or others in your life. Offer support, quit time, chocolate, martinis, massages and hugs.

So, where does this leave my tummy and my butt, you ask....
I don't care anymore. That is not entirely true, but my perspective has shifted so greatly that it is true in a sense. I look at me, Susann Goodman, as a very complicated, layered person that is so much more that a patch of cellulite (or two ;) ). There are so many things in my life and my body that I should pay more attention to....breathing, smiling, laughing, posture....but all of this is interconnected...
part good taking good care my body is listening to it, giving what it needs....yoga has helped me, yes to lose weight, but also lose a mental load of badness and crazy standards that are A) not possible and B) not healthy or helping me to become the best Susann I can be.

There has been a lot of sadness and anger in the beginning of my life. I am finally in a place where i am able invite in happiness and love and REALLY mean it. I have begun to feel a stillness that i never knew existed, a place where, instead of judging (myself so very harshly and everyone else) I can quietly observe with out judgement and simply exist...Simply Be.

will you still need me, will you still feed me...

it never ends. i can choose to love my body, take care of it and accept responsibility for my eating habits, or i can be on a diet and worry about how i look, literally, until i die....

i see women every single day and they order salads and diet Pepsi. i just assume that they are bitchy because they are hungry.

i know that i need to lead a more active lifestyle, and change my eating habits, but there has to be a common ground, some happy place where i can eat french fries with out feeling guilty about it, and want to make food that nurtures your body. there has to be a place of balance where working out is not a chore and eating doesn't seem like so much work; choices are less big caloric decisions than a simple yes or no i do or do not want that.

SOMEBODY DRAW ME A MAP!!!

in my perfect world, i BOUNCE out of bed eager for my 7 am run, and make good food choices all day seamlessly and flawlessly because they come so naturally, i am not actually making decisions at all....drinks tons of water, get all my, well, everything, and sleep at night so well, i can bounce out of bed the next day...as if spring loaded...

i think people like this exist...im not sure, but i have been led to believe...

in my real world, i slug out of bed, run to work, try and grab something from the house so i don't have to limit myself to the choices from the SL, drink coffee and tea, agonize over my cream and sugar choices, get toast, but keep it dry, saving those extra calories for who knows what....run through an average shift at work, try to slug down some water, try and eat a good lunch...unless i have an above average day of work which leads to stress eating of french fries and blue cheese...some times red meat and if an INTENSELY above average day, a gin and tonic or 2....come home, agonize over what to make for dinner, what i want what my 6'3" husband who never gains weight wants (or should have so he doesn't lose anymore weight).....

its exhausting! i know i think about food too much. i have some sort of preoccupation.

our family is pre-dis positioned to addictive behaviors, and i think eating is one of them.

yes. my life would be easier if food didn't exist.

is that all i have to do? not think about food? instead of trying to figure out what is the best thing to do in all situations and posses such a pre-occupation with it, maybe just give it up. do the best i can, stop fucking thinking about it all the time. quit worrying about dinner, and sugar packets and fooooood.

ugh.

im going to try and draw that map this week and see what happens.

i don't want to be even 40 and on a diet. i want to have my shit together so well that my DIET its self is all the really good choices i make naturally and effortlessly...without thinking about it...