Keeping it Local

Come with me on another journey towards the dark green side!

It was announced recently that Matsen, the largest transporter of cargo to and from Hawaii, is raising its fuel surcharge by 8.5%
That's a lotta hooch!
The price of living here on our gorgeous island paradise is already pretty high and I am afraid  that this is not going to make it any easier.  But maybe,  just maybe, this will be a good way to bring light to a subject close to my heart and save some money. 
Buying Fresh.  Buying Local.

                                                California Guide

I know, I am in Hawaii, but I got a lot of family and friends in Cali, so...you're welcome ;)

Farmers Markets are an excellent way to buy what is in season.  You also know that it is fresh and organic (if you shop with organic farmers).  To me, there is nothing more fabulous than a farm fresh egg poached to perfection over crusty bread and a big glob of homemade cilantro pesto.....but I digest...

                                    NOT in Cali or Hawaii? CHECK this OUT!

Supporting local agriculture is a good way to keep money in the community as well an excellent way of knowing exactly where your food is coming from.  In supporting local small agriculture you are also NOT supporting GIANT conglomerate mega corporations.
Speaking of Evil corporations, lets talk corn.  Corn and soy are in almost every processed food we eat in one form or another.  Monsanto is one of, if not the biggest corporations out there.  90% of all corn and soy are grown from GMO's, which appear in about 70% of all processed food in America.  They control 90% of all genetically engineered seeds.  So basically, Monsanto owns the food supply in America.  I would use the term "food" loosely....  So, to surmise:  if you are eating processed food in America, you are most likely eating corn, amongst other things, and it is most likely genetically modified.

Soy-lent green?

Monsanto is taking over the American food chain...so to speak.  They create GMO's which produce more consistent and disease resistant plants, but are riddled with herbicides and pesticides.  The other fun fact in this equation is that as this corporation gets bigger, small farms are failing and are not able to compete.  not only are the unable to compete, but the herbicides don't kill everything.  Whatever is left is mutating into super weeds and mostly taking over the farms of the non-Monsanto.
But this is not a Monsanto blog.  I highly recommend Food Inc.  for a closer look at the farm/food culture in America.

Big Island Farmer's Market

Buy Local.

In supporting local small organic farms you are supporting your community.  I know organic food is not cheap, trust me, it's SUPER not cheap in Hawaii.  Look at the big picture though.  A lunch at Mac Donalds might seem cheaper now, but in the long run, the diabetes, heart disease, and weight gain are going to cost you way more.  The definition of "food" has changed in America.  Fast food ISN'T food.  I know it is not possible to buy strictly organic, though I make an effort, but....


                                                   Ever heard of the Dirty Dozen?

Ok, Yes and No.
This list changes every year.  I noticed that the more hype or attention a certain food is getting in the media because of its omegawhathaveyous, or superfiberfuckers, it ends up on this list, where it might not have been previously: blueberries and kale are good examples of that.
The Environmental Working Group states that it is possible to reduce exposure to pesticides by 80% by avoiding "the dirty dozen".  No, not the men in the picture above, though, that might not be such a bad idea either...

We are talking about the 12 foods that are the most susceptible to pesticides. And they are....Drum roll please!

1. Beef- may be laced with: pesticides, hormones, antibiotics. Most likely fed a diet of corn, Uses huge amounts of water to raise, petroleum to ship, and not treated as if they have a right to matter.  On a more personal note, not eating meat has cleared up my allergies in a way that no pills or drugs ever could.

2. Milk- 12 different pesticides have been identified in milk. Cows are also given growth hormones rGBH and rbST.  Most people are actually more sensitive to dairy than they realize...take it out of your diet for a week and see how you feel.

3. Coffee- look for Fair Trade Certification and Rain Forest Alliance.  Most coffee is grown out of the US, therefore, it can not be regulated and pesticides are often used.

4. Celery- there were 64 pesticide residues found on this plant. nuf said.

5. Peaches- 62 pesticides detected on this southern Belle.

6. Strawberries- another out of country unregulated fruit. 59 pesticides detected on these babies.

7. Apples- A good scrub wont rid you of the 42 pesticides found on Eve's favorite fruit.

8.Blueberries- 52 pesticides.

9. Nectarines-33 pesticides

10. Bell Peppers- 49 different kinds of pesticides

11. Spinach- The most contaminated leafy green with 48 different pesticides

12. Kale - well known for its hardiness...and now pesticides

                                Support Local Agriculture in Hawaii!! CLick!

If you can buy THOSE 12 things organically, you will dramatically cut your intake of pesticides.

Another fabulous way to support local agriculture in your community is to join a CSA.  Community Sponsored Agriculture gives you the opportunity to have a giant surprise mix box every week from a local farm.  They are not very expensive and I have found too much for just one person, so also a good thing to do with a friend and cut the cost even more.  I have also found that there are things in there that I would not normally buy and it has helped me to broaden my veggie horizons.

BOO! 

The CSA I am joining even DELIVERS for a small fee of $5!  Just Add Water!  I am very excited about this.

                                                                                

                                     Find a CSA in your lo-cal!

Buy Fresh.

So, while it is not always possible to buy organic, it is almost always possible to buy fresh and in season.  There is an important note that I think people forget to talk about when they are discussing organic foods.  Organic foods are becoming more and more readable available in most super markets.  However, some "organics" come from countries that don't have the same standards for organic that we do in the USA.  Ever heard of Night Soil?
                                                    Google it.  I dare ya!

                      


  So, while eating organic is a fabulous change in your diet, buying organic strawberries from Mexico in the middle of winter, is not.  The other habit that I have to stress here is to buy seasonal.  If it ain't growing where you live, don't buy it.  Again, another gem about farmer's markets.  They are always producing what is in season and THAT is what you should be eating.

                                                                  
 Lucky for us Cali and Hawaii have longer growing seasons than just about anywhere in the US.  The KCC Farmers market runs ALL YEAR!  I believe that the foods match the seasons.  I don't think that I would want to eat a batch of pumpkin soup in the middle of summer..(though I LOVE pumpkin!)  Not to mention the amount of petroleum it is taking to ship those strawberries from Mexico to Hawaii, the way that veggies and fruits are harvested way before they are actually ripe and forced to ripen, though most fruits and veggies will not develop more flavor off the vine ( I said mosttt.....) If you have ever had a tomato in the middle of summer, you will never go back to eating those hard little, mealy tennis balls from Mexico ever again.

Talking 'bout a Revolution...

Here is the thing.  YOU can grow your own vegetables.  Yessss. Even YOU Jenn and LaLa of the Black Thumbs, and Pinkies, and Ring Fingers...

                                            Good Lord this is Cute!

I had a container garden on my 3x8 balcony in Arcata and I grew: peppers, carrots, lettuce, peas (YES, I strung them up and everything), beans, swiss chard, kale, bok choy, tomato (it blighted..booooo arcata fog), rosemary, thyme, dill, basil.  I also had worms, lady bugs, aphids, butterflies, bees, frogs and birds.  It was just fantastic.  I literally sat and watched that instead of the TV; yes, I AM easily amused!?  Why do you ask???

No balcony you say?  Do you have a window?


                                                       Check this out!

Not super stoked on the plastic bottles, hopefully they are being recycled for this and not bought solely for this purpose.
There is a revolution going on in this country.  People are getting back to the earth. Bee keeping is becoming a popular hobby, gardening is on the rise due to the recession,  canning and pickling is making a comeback, even the White House has a victory garden (so retro Mrs. Obama!)  The ability to be self-sustaining is amazing.  In my fantasy world I get out of bed, check for eggs in my hen house, let them out, milk my goat Brucie (yeah kylee! I went there ;)  weed/harvest/water/plant depending on the season, and can whatever else is extra, make bread and goat cheese.  We are so damn busy with our live that we forget to live them.  Gardening, even in a container is a way of connecting back to the dirt.  Trust me, once  you try it, you will be hooked.  Nothing tastes better than that first row of lettuce you grow....

                                               Vegetarians are HOT!

We are moving on Monday to an apt that has neither balcony nor space for a window garden.  My remedy for this was to get a job at a NPO "working" a few days a week in trade for veggies.  I get my dirt fix,  a little help with my food bills and they help preserve Hawaiian culture through maintaining native plants, flowers and foods.  I will write more in detail about this NPO once I talk to them and start working.  I also recently got a work trade job with Otsuji Farms!  Come see me on Thursdays rvenings at the Farmers market in Kailua  I am sure that this is an option for you too.  Check out craigslist, ask around at market....it can be done!

                                        Unleash your Beautiful Inner Hippy!

ilka Hartmann.com                                             

But here is the kicker.  The thing that shot me in my little hapa heart when I moved to Hawaii.  While at first I was overwhelmed by the avocados, tomatoes, cucumbers, papayas, mangoes, apple bananas, greens, fish, bread, butter, popcorn, honey, pickles, salsa, pasteles and okinawan doughnuts...I couldn't find garlic anywhere. I was informed by a vendor at the market that I was not going to find any at the market because it doesn't grow in Hawaii and therefore can not be sold at the market. Oh. Dear. God.  What ever am I going to do with out garlic!!!!?????

*Dedicated to Brucie.  My dear friend and Dirty Hippy*


http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-02-25/matson-up-fuel-surcharge-amid-middle-east-unrest.html
http://www.walletpop.com/2010/02/04/monsanto-the-evil-corporation-in-your-refrigerator/
http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/eat-safe/Dirty-Dozen-Foods
http://www.parkseed.com/gardening/GP/listpage/weird-veg
http://homegrown.org/blog/about/
http://www.peta.org

The Plastics

"Sustainability is made of little changes to our lifestyle that don't cost us anything and can save the planet,"- Stefania Prestigiacomo, Italian Environmental Minister after ITALY (yes, the entire country) banned the single use bag starting Jan 2011.

Alright ya'll  I'm about to get progressive on you.  Break our your inner Hippy for a moment and come on a journey with me!  Today I am talking Plastics and not the Mean Girls Lindesy Lohan kind...

When I think of Hawaii, I think of palm trees, luau's and surfing....What I was not prepared for was the obscene amounts of garbage, specifically plastic, on the beach, floating in the ocean, and at every retail store on the island.  Not JUST plastic, but also, a rare species I thought was extinct...the Styrofoam clam shell.  Call me sheltered, call me crazy, but I really did not think that anyone used Styrofoam anymore...

Coming from California, specifically, lastly, Arcata (aka Berkeley North) I was use to recycling EVERYTHING (magazines, batteries, aluminum, glass, cardboard, plastic of all numbers, light bulbs), composting food scraps and shredded paper, bringing my own containers for take out, and NEVER asking for a plastic bag to go.  Places like the Co-op don't even have plastic bags and you are given the STINK eye if you forget to bring your own: "Paper bag or  cardboard box?" they almost seem to sneer.  Imagine my surprise, when, moving to such an amazingly remote location, the enviromental awareness that seemes to be missing. The Safeway by my house in Kailua doesn't even offer paper bags because, "...we are too small of a location..."?  I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around that one.... SHAME on you Safeway!  One angry letter coming your way.

California is a giant state and yet the level of enviromental awareness there is awesome.  Many cities including San Fransisco and LA have banned single use plastic bags.  Why then, on such a small island, where the repercussions of your actions would seem much more close to home, would so many businesses offer single use plastic bags, Styrofoam clam shells and plastic to go forks and spoons? How is this still possible?

I pulled a plastic bag and a plastic water bottle out of the ocean yesterday at Sand Island beach park.  I could have picked up trash for an hour straight and not gotten all the cigarette butts, soda and water bottle caps and other random bits of plastic that were in the sand like, well, the sand. It was like a horrible un-fun-fetti.

Plastic is BAD.  That is the understatement.  What sets this apart from say glass or aluminium (not my favorite either...especially when used for things acidic like tomatoes...  SIDEBAR- POMI are delicious, from Italy, and NOT in cans).  I advocate using what is local and in season, but if you are going to use canned tomatoes anyways, give these a try. So WHY are we still using plastic???  Why is an island paradise Like Oahu sitting idly by as their home is getting trashed?  I am on a mission.  I don't know how, but I am going to try and raise the level of awareness in my new home town.   I have seen a few commercials ect....but I am going to try and get actively involved.  It is too important a problem that affects not just me, but everyone in the world, and specifically, the ocean.

 

photo: eflon flickr

I am sure you all have heard of the North Pacific Subtropical Gyre.  There are others, though I live in the pacific so I am going to focus on this one.  A massive soup of plastic and in the process of breaking down plastic is gathering to a conservative estimate of 1,700 miles long, though it is believed to be longer.  There have been a lot of research done on this area, boats that travel and trawl and try to get a better idea of just how bad this floating landfill is and what are the affects it is having on the ocean.
If you have time, or want a first hand experience of the trawling, be here now!  They take samples and test the water trying to understand the effects of having so much toxic waste floating around in the water.
Check out 5 Gyres for more info on their research.

Coming Soon to a Beach Near you!

Single use plastic bags are harder to recycle than aluminium or glass; they do not biodegrade, they photodegrade.  Plastic breaks down into smaller and smaller and smaller pieces and ends up in the ocean as something so small that it is absorbed by the smallest plankton on the food chain and works its way back up to us.  So that plastic bottle you use once and toss, it comes back to haunt you on a molecular level.  But, as in all things, our actions affect not just ourselves, but also others.

44 percent of all sea birds eat plastic mistaking it for food.  When Trevor went to Midway Island for the summer three years ago, he came home with stories of dead birds skeletons, and where their stomachs were, piles of plastic.  The birds eat the brightly colored plastic and then feel full.  They starve to death un-able to digest or pass the plastic they are eating.  Turtles, jellyfish and filter feeders eat the plastic and it kills them one way or another.

Chris Jordan-Midway

Along with the dead birds, like the picture above, there was SO much garbage on the beach everyday that was washing in from all over the world.  Midway is waythefuckoutthere.  A very remote place on the globe and its pristine beaches are being covered in garbage, plastic and fishing nets (ahhhh but that is another blog...).

I would love to present some alternatives to you and be proactive instead of just bitching...

My shit list of everyday Plastics that we all use, but could easily choose NOT to:

 Plastic Single Use Bags- SO easy to avoid!  It just takes a little effort to break a bad habit.  Leave reusable tote in your car or purse or both. These "urban tumbleweeds" end up in the ocean and just fuck it up...between killing animals and leeching chemicals in it, it's no bueno.
Make your own T-shirt tote bag and recycle your favorite funky t-shirt, you know, the one you can't bear to get rid of but is not longer appropriate due to holes and stains and other life occurrences.

Plastic Water Bottles- Tap water, which is more highly regulated than bottled water (which, in some cases, was found to be 40% TAP WATER) comes out at about $0.002 per gallon.  Bottled water comes out anywhere from $0.86 a gallon to $8.26 per gallon.  Get a canteen!  It doesn't have to be a Kleen canteen.  Re-using plastic water bottles is also not a good idea, the plastic leaches chemicals into the water, especially if let in the sun or gotten warm.  Even the simple act of washing and reusing plastic water bottles (Even NALGENE bottles are NOT ok if they have BPA in the plastic) can cause tiny tears and seepage of chemicals into your water.

                                 Pretty Colors! You know you want one... BPA free!


Plastic Straws- Single use, again, used once and thrown away.  NEVER recycled!!!  And on a more vain note, ladies, sucking on straws gives you wrinkles around your mouth.

Plastic To-Go utensils-  We eat at home a lot, but I have started carrying wood chop sticks in my purse in a cute fabric case (courtesy of my Cindy Lou Who) in case I do get something to go and have to eat on the run...Just make sure to wash when you get home!!  Wooden chopsticks are easy enough to find, and look, you can make your own case!  EXCELLENT Christmas idea for your token republican friend (BIG winks La La ;)!

Swamp Yankees from Outer Space!

Everyday Plastic Packaging- When I go to farmers market, EVERYTHING  is in plastic.  I literally have to ask them to take the veggies out of the plastic bag for me...it is for convenience.  Packaging at the store is a little harder.  SOME things are in plastic and can not be helped.  BUT some things are not.  I try to buy in bulk a much as possible and store it in a glass jar or paper bag, if it can survive... flour, sugar, pasta, cereal, rice, grains, chips, cookies, spices, beans, salt, tea, soup mix, trail mix, nuts, chocolates...almost all of my sundries I can find in bulk.  It is also a lot cheaper to buy this way...honestly, who needs 1 pound of poultry seasoning?  Just buy a little!!! That shiz goes bad before you have the time to use it all anyways.  It is so much cheaper to buy $0.66 worth of pasta and NOT pay for the packaging. You don't have to spend a ton on super cute jars (like my fantasy cupboard below) reuse glass jars you buy everyday and remove the labels.  These can be used indefinitely.

                                              Open House Home Goods


Plastic Lighters-
There were literally thousands of these on Midway.  Again, a disposable limited use item that there are alternatives for like matches or zippo lighter that are re-fillable.


I am guilty of using plastic packaging in many every day things that I buy though I make a seriously pointed effort not to.  I am nagging because the aforementioned are EASY to use once and throw away, but even EASIER to change to something more sustainable and cheaper!

Because this is our home...

 Hopefully that I have brought you some easy alternatives to the way our consumer, use it once and throw it away culture has raised us.  I do believe we can all make a difference and I do believe that the little things that I do helps.


****this is article is dedicated to the fabulous plastic bag purse knitter Alissa Morey for showing me the light and jumping in front of me at every store we went to and screaming, "NO SHE DOESN'T NEED A PLASTIC BAG THANKS!!!"****

Resources:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/08/090820-plastic-decomposes-oceans-seas.html
http://www.saveourgroundwater.org/TakeBackTheTap_web.pdf

2 “Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?” Natural Resources Defense Council, March 1999. Available at: http://www.nrdc.org/water/drinking/ bw/bwinx.asp

5 Franklin, Pat, “Down the drain: Plastic water bottles should no longer be a wasted resource” Waste Management World, May-June 2006. Avail- able at: “http://container-recycling.org/mediafold/newsarticles/plas- tic/2006/5-WMW-DownDrain.htm”

photo: eflon flickr

http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/earth/oceanography/great-pacific-garbage-patch.htm

Facebook aftermath

Alondra and me

I wondered what the aftermath of no facebook in my life would look like...would I go through withdrawals...would there be a rash or maybe the shakes?  Would the sky turn black and the clouds boil like some apocalyptic scenes from too many bad movies?  Sounds silly, but I was SO connected at the hip, I really felt like I might have an actual physical reaction.  Not really, but it was in the back of my mind...

Me and LaLa

I mean honestly, ask yourself, how would you feel if you deleted your fb account RIGHT NOW....my reactions was...my pictures! my friends!!! all that "work" I put into it.  Note* IF you deactivate your account, they make it super easy to reactivate it. All you have to do is log back in and everything "will be just as you left it".  I was almost disappointed.  Did I have the strength to just not "log back in".  Too easy, too easy! 

The core 4, minus Monica

  I foud myself with little ticks, almost like a little internal clock, "facccceeeboookkkkk" it whispered.....check intoooo the world......"  shooots.  I think I was getting it backwards.  Facebook is for staying connected, but I was ULTRA connected.  I was really hiding.  Like I said before... it is NOT easy moving to another city, let alone another state, LET ALONE another part of the world....Hawaii IS part of the US, but it might as well be another country.  Honestly, even the street names are hard to pronounce, and there are many cultural do's and don'ts..just as if you are in another part of the world.

Kylee and Me

So, the move has not been easy for me, especially since Trevor has been gone most of the time.  I am not complaining (yet) just that being on the outskirts of the windward side of oahu makes it harder to meet people...  I was, instead of building relationships in the real world, building and tending the ones on facebook...

Yesterday I realized, is my life better or worse not knowing "x" about this person?  Is it differnet at all?  Fb was giving me access to SO much information about people that really didn't affect my life, I was on information overload and I didn't even know it.  Is my life better knowing that so-and-so went to the dentist today?  Is that info that I can live with out?
My other thought is this...if this IS the new medium of communication, and you are more or less expected to use it, at what point do YOU become outdated for NOT using it.  THe OUTDATED thing I am not too worried about, but at what point are you EXPECTED to know things considering the up to the second updates you recieve via facebook....
Am I becoming a relic by NOT using facebook?  I am guessing I will garner some "looks" when I tell people, "No, you cant find me on facbook."
I am enjoying the unconnectedness of it all....I do admit that I am missing it a little, but I am hoping that people will continue to keep in touch, the "old fashioned way" of emails or, gasp, phone calls!!!

Jenn and Kylee

I feel that by un-connecting, I am re-connecting.  I am trimming the fat of the meaningless/non-necessary information from my life.  People that are important to me, and will remain important will stay connected.  Messaging on FB is NOT a substitution for a good conversation or phone date, or lunch...

Loves of my life <3

I had such an amazing base of friends and urban family in Humboldt and I miss that very much.

Facebook is ruining my Life

  I did it.  I de-activated my Facebook account.  I think that it really was ruining my life...or maybe just shaping it in a way that I wasn't enjoying.
People say, "Facebook makes it easier to keep in touch with people!"  Yeah...I agree to a point...
Do I really need to be friends with everyone from Fortuna High, Class of 1998?  I was not too fond of most of those people to begin with...why am I adding them?
I think that it was fun for a while, finding people you lost touch with, or people finding you....but...is there a reason we lost touch?  People that I care about, I still keep in touch with, with out Facebook.  I am wondering what percent of people that I am no longer in touch with on fb will actually email or call me.
  There is a little drama with this story; it was not simply a, "I have decided to simplify my life" decision....well, it was, but borne of weired stuff.  Fb use to be friends and co workers, new people, I would say age group 15-35 exct...but then, a different age group started to use it...35-55...and I started seeing more family members on there..parents exct....  Now, my grammie is on there.  The last age group.
I don't have anything to hide, and I do not believe in censoring myself.  I believe that if you are going to request me as a friend on fb, you get the SAME thoughts, videos, political commentary as EVERYONE ELSE.  I refuse to tailor my image to what ever it is you think you want me to be, or simply just to be agreeable.
My entire family is right wing conservative republicans.  That is not a problem with me, at all.  I respect their right to have an entirely different opinion than mine. I believe that political discourse is healthy and wonderful even if we do not agree.  But people started to get angry and disrespectful and take things personally.  If you decide to comment, for instance, on a post I put up about wikileaks, EXPECT that we are going to have an argument.  But that works BOTH ways.  If you comment on my posts, I am also going to comment on yours and you can't get mad about that.  It's just FACEBOOK, that is how it works.
Facebook use to be about communication for me.  I thought it was wonderful to be able to communicate with other people in my family, especially because I am living in Hawaii and have less contact with them than I use to have.  I feel like the communication has stopped and now it is just being used to spy on me, and quite frankly, fodder for gossip.  Its fine if we don't agree, but calling me a left wing nut job is kind of disrespectful, especially since I don't refer to anyone like that.  Or to believe that everything I think or find interesting is misinformation.
I felt like people were taking it very personally, it's just facebook, its not real life, as my friend Alondra reminded me, it's a part of modern life.  For something that is supposed to be fun, it
I think that I was spending too much time on facebook.  I deactivated it not only as a statement, but also because Alondra is right, it's not life.  Moving is hard, making friends is harder.  Maybe I have been using it as a substitute for really living.  I like to hide, and I think fb was making it easier for me to feel like I am living and interacting when in reality, it was not.

So, there you have it. No more facebook for me.  It has been about 12 hours and I am still alive and already looking for better more productive ways to fill my time.  I am not saying this decision is for everyone.  I understand that social media is changing the way we interact with one another, but for me, I am sticking to good old email, or phone calls, or texts....

Fear and Boating in Kailua

  Happy New Year!  I know I am a little late on this, but hey!  I have written a list about 9 or 10 things that I would love to do differently or better in this coming year but the one that needed immediate attention was SLEEP...or lack there of....  Specifically, my resolution is to sleep better, to sleep well, whether or not Trevor is home.  I have been having trouble sleeping when he leaves on the boat, and also the 2 days prior...like clockwork.
So, as part of my resolution, I started thinking hard about what it is that makes it so hard for me to sleep.
Well, for one thing, I can not relax enough to fall asleep...I know also fear is mixed in here some where and perhaps a little dash of abandonment issues...
  My parents were divorced when I was very small, say about 5 years old.  I have, over the years learned to forgive my Dad, and by that I mean specifically, to not hold him responsible for things that happened to me that he had no control over.  Although is hard not to feel left....  After this divorce there was a slew of horrible events and people strung together into a painful time that I call "My Childhood".  The thing that I have been trying to get over for the last 30 years.  So, stay with me here...  I know LOGICALLY that Trevor will be coming home in 4 days or 4 weeks or whatever...but something lodged deep in my brain is making me so afraid of all the bad things that are going to happen (again) that I can not even physically relax enough to fall asleep.  So, fear.  I am afraid of being left and re-playing my childhood all over again.
The last time Trevor left on a trip I was wrestling with this issue, and I just kept asking myself, "What are you so afraid of?"  That night I had a dream.  Let me tell you about my dreams, most of the time they are scary and vivid and violent, also, I am sure, left over material from the 80's and 90's.  Sometimes, Trev has to wake me up because I am crying and whimpering.
This dream had me tell a certain person that they needed to back off and leave me alone, and then I told my Mother about it and she KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.  So I spent the whole dream screaming and yelling the F word at people.  I woke up sad.  So sad.  
I blame myself for my Dad leaving.
I blame myself for all the bad things that happened to me and my sister as a child.
I have brought that into my marriage and now some how I believe that Trevor wants to leave me every time and that it is my fault and on top of that, bad things are going to happen and they are my fault.
NO WONDER I CANT FUCKING SLEEP.
So, what is a 31 year old girl with Daddy-issues to do?
I removed the blame from myself.  Obviously the abuse and horrible events were someones fault, there must be SOMEONE responsible for all the pain I endured.  But was is not me.
I swear I slept so much better that night.  Not yet a deep sound sleep...but it was a start for sure.
It is absolutely phenomenal what our bodies hold on to on both a mental and physical level and how long they hold on to it; Anger, Fear, Pain, Stress, Unkindness...
I am trying to get down to root of my anxiety and fears, and there is a lot more buried under my skin and in my heart than I was expecting.  It is not easy to deal with, it is actually quite painful and a little bit scary but moving through it is amazing.  I feel like I have been living in a little cage of fear that I have been carrying around with me; it limits my movements and prevents me from having real happiness, or experiencing joy and feeling loved unconditionally.  All of these mountains I am climbing now are helping me to shed this weight from my past, both physically and mentally...
I have a better relationship with food.  I still LOVE to eat, but don't need to feel full to feel happy any longer.  I went back to vegetarianism for the new year ( also a way to show compassion and kindness to animals).  I found that my life has always been so physically and mentally uncomfortable that I was always trying to mask it with food, which in turn was making me more physically uncomfortable through weight gain.  I am finding my life more comfortable now.  I am finding little pockets, or giant rivers or fear in my heart and moving through them and letting them go.  
I don't know if I will ever be done with this process, but at least I can now count on a good nights sleep...

Crash!

   I love to play it safe.  In fact, if there was a sippy cup for grown ups, I would use that.  I find myself imaging the WORST possible outcome for most situations lest I am caught off guard and I have to deal with the unfathomable...(a desperate man needs a kidney and waits around the corner of a building to relieve me of my one good one.)  I thought for a while that maybe I was just being cautious, (safety first!) and (better safe than sorry!)....but I began to realize that I was not just being safe, that I actually am terrified of everything....big concert venues, tubing behind a speed boat,  even crowded movie theaters, people i have never met, can make me a little more than nervous.  I find myself scoping out the nearest exit, lest zombie outbreak should occur and its every woman for herself.

I hate going places that I have never been before and that seem complicated to find my way out of,  I'm not a huge fan of crowds or trying to get through them, and even everyday things that  most people do for fun...they scare the shit out of me.  I began to put the pieces to together and there is an element of control to all of these.  These things, for me, can almost always be traced back to my childhood.  You have no control as a child, in fact you have less than that...you trust others to take care of you and protect you.  When you have a childhood like mine, i think as soon as you obtain some control of your life, you tend not to trust other people.  You believe that you can only trust yourself.

     I have started saying yes so much more when I would have said no.  I started to go places and experience things that normally I would have said no to, because well, you can fit 50,000 people into the LA Colosseum for Monster Massive, and when they are all on Ecstasy, asking directions to the nearest exit is mostly frustrating when the place is burning down.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs at the Fox Theater was I think the first time I had ever allowed myself to be in a situation that I was not familiar with and had no control over, lest some sort of biological warfare was unleashed in Oakland.  I was stuck 3 rows back in a crowded pit surrounded by hundreds of sweating, screaming, intoxicated people that were all shoving and pushing and mostly much bigger than I am.  This I considered high on my list of unsafe things to do, given my size and poor eyesight.  I could have at any moment been swept underfoot and trampled to death by a drunken roaring crowd, my screams lost in the wail of the crowds and Karen O's garage punk screams.  But it was SO fun!  I think I learned that you gotta push back against that wave of humans all vying for that spot at the front, elbow, if you have to... keep in the moment, don't panic, and LET GO and have some fun for once!  I did it too, well with the help of my giant tall husband and Jack Daniels I was shoving and screaming along with the crowd, never once looked for the emergency exit and instead marveled at the beautiful theater, listen to the song from our first dance LIVE, and even made some friends.

           But it is the things that happen when I am not paying attention that remind me that no matter how hard you plan for the Apocalypse, its the little things that actually suck.  

Watching Shark Week! on the Discovery Channel rendered me motionless near the shore of the ocean, not because I could see anything at all, but it was of what i could not see that scared me the most...am I near a sandbar?  Was I wearing anything that glinted in the sun light?  Is it dusk?  Is anyone near me ovulating?  Might I point out that I grew up in the ocean;  that I have been caught in rip tides 6 different times and swam hard (parallel to the shore of course) to get back in and never had it occurred to me NOT to go back in?  But one week of watching people and other fish getting torn to shreds and losing limbs and I was motionless.  As I backed slowly towards my towel, lest a killer whale surf up to grab a little fast food on his way home, I stepped on a bee.  Now that fucking hurt.  It was a painfully clear metaphor that zapped me right out of my shark week coma and back to earth.  While I was so worried about a relatively benign threat (really what are the chances of getting attacked by a shark that close to shore in southern California?) that I was not paying attention to the real things right at my feet, that I am allergic to.  A very small and sharp truth that I will remember for the rest of my life.  Dont worry about things you cant control, pay attention to your life, it is happening RIGHT NOW.

  In my seemingly safe, boring and well prepared life (ah but that is another blog)  I find myself making lists and waying the pros and cons of every decision I make.  It sounds like not a terrible thing to do, but when I do it about EVERYTHING, when I keep all control in my life and never let go because I am so afraid of stupid shit that is most likely never going to happen...I am limiting myself from countless possibilites, memories and a life well lived...so I did something about it.  I did, what seemed to me, to date, my most reckless and unsafe decision.  Take a motorcycle ride through Wahewa with a 60 year old man named Crash I had just met at a bar, on a drizzly night.  I made a list, you bet your sweet bippy I did.  NOT safe...at all.  I did have a helmet though, and a jacket....But in the grand scheme of things, I think i had to prove to myself that I had the ability to let go, to hand over all control to someone I had never met, and that I would be ok.  And I was. Totally fine.  This doesnt mean that I will continue on a path of recklessness and thrill seeking, that is a little too much for me!  I will, however, hopefully live my life bigger, and bolder and take more chances and write less mental lists, stop looking for emergency exits and stop imaging worst case senarios for my everyday life.

  I went back to the mainland to finish up this business of moving to an island, and while I was there I tried to balance out the hectic-ness and stress with yoga and sauna.  I was only expecting yoga glow and post-shavansana bliss to help me through the things that I was dealing with in my life at that time.  I got a very unexpected surprise.  The immediate affect was like waking up on Christmas (grumpy) and finding not gifts under the tree, but bags of garbage.  .
Yoga has been know to bring out a lot of emotions in people.  The only ones that I had previously experienced were tears in the forms of both sadness of release and euporhia.  I knew that yoga establishes a mind-body-spirit connection, what I did not realize was that there are other surprises that might arise...
Is it because I am getting more effective at the poses?  Is my flexibility causing deeper release and therefore more pent up emotions and hurts are coming out?  I walked around in an enraged fog for about 3 days.  There was not actually anything bothering me, i just was pissed.  I could not for the life of me figure out what on earth was going on...it was not PMS irritability, or someone and I were in disagreement or something of that nature.  The this I was experiencing was pure rage, anger in a very very scary form.  It was so bad, that I literally could not see straight, nothing was making sense...
         I use to tell people that I don't usually get angry, that it takes quite a bit to actually get mad and I that I rarely lose my temper...well, all of that was kind of true...you can ask my closest friends if they have ever seen me lose it, or get angry.  Most likely not.  That was part of a running dialogue that I keep with myself.  Everyone does it.  Though the script may vary from person to person, we tell ourselves things that we want to believe are true about ourselves, and therefore think them until our actions are reflections of our thoughts.  We all want to be a certain type of person......a happy person, a hardworking person, a bitchy person, a motivated person, a spunky person, an intelligent person, a flawless person......I wanted to be NOT my mother.  That sounds harsh if you are not familiar with out relationship, but before you judge (WHO does this girl think she is???) let me assure you, there are universal actions that should not be carried on through the generations.  I wanted/ want to be a kind person.
  I pondered and I wandered, and thunk my little thoughts...and the more I could not figure out what was going on , and the longer the anger lasted the more frustrated I got with myself for feeling it, because I really do not enjoy that certain emotion..I was fighting it tooth and nail, trying everything I could think of to make it go away.  What saved me in the end was very simple.  I decided that i needed to stop trying to define myself as "not an angry person" that I "didn't get mad".  As soon as I gave into the feeling of anger, and let it run its course through me, as soon as I acknowledged it as an emotion that was OK for me to have. IT DISAPPEARED. I'm not talking the next day, or with in the hour...I'm talking (snap!!!!) like that!
I grew up in a very violent household, where there was always screaming and crying and fighting.  There was a lot of anger, be borne of frustration, or hatred, or sorrow, or fear, I will most likely never really know, but it was there.  The only way that i was ever shown to deal with anger was to be physically or verbally abusive to another person.   As an adult and a young adult, I tried my darnedest to stay as far away from that as possible...or so i thought....Just because I was saying that something didn't make me angry, it might have, and instead of being angry and being in the moment and dealing with it, I stored it away, and little by little, that combined with many many painful childhood memories,  I think I built up and giant ball of anger.  I truly believe that it was released and took 3 days to work its way through my brain and my heart, and once I let it go, I was empty.  Not empty in a bad way.  Like there had been a tumor on my heart that was gone, like I had been holding my breath for years and years and let it all out in a giant wooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................   I was breathing again.
Anger is just another emotion, like happiness or sadness...it might be a little scarier, but it is just as important and viable as the other ones that might seem a little easier to swallow.  I literally get uncomfortable when I am angry...physically uncomfortable.  I think now that I have allowed myself to be angry when I am angry, hopefully i wont store anymore unnecessary crap that is keeping me from being the best Susann I can be.
Growing up is really hard....I turn 31 in January and I cant even come close to believing that I am an adult.  I guess it is all in the definition of that term.  Perhaps I should just know that the "growing" part of that statement is a never ending process, that you don't hit a certain age and become grown, or that you  are never not going to learn something you didn't know before...
I suppose the closest thing to knowing everything, or anything is to know that you truly know nothing at all, and keep growing, and pushing my way up towards the sun...