Happy New Year! I know I am a little late on this, but hey! I have written a list about 9 or 10 things that I would love to do differently or better in this coming year but the one that needed immediate attention was SLEEP...or lack there of.... Specifically, my resolution is to sleep better, to sleep well, whether or not Trevor is home. I have been having trouble sleeping when he leaves on the boat, and also the 2 days prior...like clockwork.
So, as part of my resolution, I started thinking hard about what it is that makes it so hard for me to sleep.
Well, for one thing, I can not relax enough to fall asleep...I know also fear is mixed in here some where and perhaps a little dash of abandonment issues...
My parents were divorced when I was very small, say about 5 years old. I have, over the years learned to forgive my Dad, and by that I mean specifically, to not hold him responsible for things that happened to me that he had no control over. Although is hard not to feel left.... After this divorce there was a slew of horrible events and people strung together into a painful time that I call "My Childhood". The thing that I have been trying to get over for the last 30 years. So, stay with me here... I know LOGICALLY that Trevor will be coming home in 4 days or 4 weeks or whatever...but something lodged deep in my brain is making me so afraid of all the bad things that are going to happen (again) that I can not even physically relax enough to fall asleep. So, fear. I am afraid of being left and re-playing my childhood all over again.
The last time Trevor left on a trip I was wrestling with this issue, and I just kept asking myself, "What are you so afraid of?" That night I had a dream. Let me tell you about my dreams, most of the time they are scary and vivid and violent, also, I am sure, left over material from the 80's and 90's. Sometimes, Trev has to wake me up because I am crying and whimpering.
This dream had me tell a certain person that they needed to back off and leave me alone, and then I told my Mother about it and she KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE. So I spent the whole dream screaming and yelling the F word at people. I woke up sad. So sad.
I blame myself for my Dad leaving.
I blame myself for all the bad things that happened to me and my sister as a child.
I have brought that into my marriage and now some how I believe that Trevor wants to leave me every time and that it is my fault and on top of that, bad things are going to happen and they are my fault.
NO WONDER I CANT FUCKING SLEEP.
So, what is a 31 year old girl with Daddy-issues to do?
I removed the blame from myself. Obviously the abuse and horrible events were someones fault, there must be SOMEONE responsible for all the pain I endured. But was is not me.
I swear I slept so much better that night. Not yet a deep sound sleep...but it was a start for sure.
It is absolutely phenomenal what our bodies hold on to on both a mental and physical level and how long they hold on to it; Anger, Fear, Pain, Stress, Unkindness...
I am trying to get down to root of my anxiety and fears, and there is a lot more buried under my skin and in my heart than I was expecting. It is not easy to deal with, it is actually quite painful and a little bit scary but moving through it is amazing. I feel like I have been living in a little cage of fear that I have been carrying around with me; it limits my movements and prevents me from having real happiness, or experiencing joy and feeling loved unconditionally. All of these mountains I am climbing now are helping me to shed this weight from my past, both physically and mentally...
I have a better relationship with food. I still LOVE to eat, but don't need to feel full to feel happy any longer. I went back to vegetarianism for the new year ( also a way to show compassion and kindness to animals). I found that my life has always been so physically and mentally uncomfortable that I was always trying to mask it with food, which in turn was making me more physically uncomfortable through weight gain. I am finding my life more comfortable now. I am finding little pockets, or giant rivers or fear in my heart and moving through them and letting them go.
I don't know if I will ever be done with this process, but at least I can now count on a good nights sleep...
*hugs* You are taking so many leaps and bounds that most people can't do without someone's help (ie: shrink). It takes a great amount of courage to look at yourself with a critical eye and ask "why". It's something I'm still struggling with and am partially in denial of. I personally would much rather help someone else through their problems than even glance at my own or why I act the way I do sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are realizing that things are not and could not have been your fault. Your parents' divorce was their own decision and you were just a victim of circumstance. No child is responsible no matter how much they feel like they are. Just remind yourself that the things you endured were not fair but they were not your fault.
Finally, remember that Trevor loves you and married you. He's not about to ditch you. I worry too when there's a giant unknown (like location) but what usually helps me through it is looking at past results. In this case, Trevor has always come back and has been fine. :)
Sleep better!
i love you kasey! thank you for always being supportive of my journey, I know its not an easy one to read. I hope you know that I will always be here if you want to talk about anything...in fact...we need a good phone date missy!
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