run

i have been feeling so disconnected from my body lately. and i have been trying so hard to get back in touch with it, and to no avail.

i got a great massage from my amiga cindy yesterday. and i felt so so much better today. i didnt realize how much my legs have been bothering me. i think that it jelped me put my body back into prespective.

i think it is feeling loved and ready to kick butt!

so today. i was ready. ready for a sweet run. and its so beautiful outside! perfect!

it really hurt. like a lot. my lungs, my stomach, my legs. and at the ame time it felt so good!

i am possibly back on my way to finding my stride. i think i use to have one.

im on the way to an awsome pilates sess and hot tubs later.

i am having a GREAT day off!

words

I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself.

Margaret Cho, I'm The One That I Want, 1999

i dont want to feel like a hypocrite here. i try and be so positive, and even though i feel like i am on a good path, i STILL look at other girls and think, my god. i COULD wear those pants, but where in the hell would i put my other leg? i suppose that it is not enough to LOVE your body, as i am trying to learn to do, but to also understand that it is YOURS and you shouldnt cheat on it. by cheat on it i mean covet thy neighbors goods or wife...aka...dont wish for another persons legs, ass, stomach or jaw line. you got to be on your own team. stand up for your little butt, or big butt, or small chest or large chest...whatever it is, ITS YOURS to keep forever! comparing and disecting it isnt being very kind to yourself. and if you feel like there is a problem that you would like to improve, do something about it. like go for a walk, a run, snowshoeing.... i am all about pro-activity. and yet...and yet...just like everyone, i still see girls and i think....really? is that possible?

lol. apparently it is. i just have remind myself that they too most likely are not happy with their general apparence, or have some miniscule flaw that they would love to "fix".

so what the hell is my point? i dont even know half the time. mostly that pining over another persons amazing legs, or flat stomach is only going to make you feel bad. and why should you?

I am beautiful. so are you.

"thin" is a stuipd fucking word. honestly. our society gives this word SO much power. so is "fat". stupid fucking word.

i understand that there some girls that are just naturally built smaller, and im not saying that to be thin is a bad thing because some people are, and you ladies are all beautiful too.

but that is not in my genetics and i am going to stop coveting it.

i can think of a million other words that i would rather be described as....

smart, funny, honest, good friend, caring, loving, generous, lovable, well-read, intelligent, cute, light hearted, chef, motivated, positive, well traveled, articulate, cultured, diverse, unique, warm, amazing, loved, just fucking amazing in general.....

and if not one person in my life every says. oh. susann is so thin. i will be just fine with that.

i fi am not ever described as the above mentioned, i would be devestated!

a life outside yourself

its funny that i was just talking about loving my body and being nice to it. its funny because i treated it so poorly last night. oh gin and tonics. you hit me and you hit me hard!

definitly in the top 3 of times i have been so wasted i blacked out. actually. i blacked out while i was puking and hit my head on the toliet. real classy. so right now my body is rebeling, and it has every right to. but this isnt a drinking blog. well, not yet anyways....

it did bring to my attention the fact that my body, and this may seem obvious, is a living breathing thing. that sounds overly simply stated, but its kinda wierd....

you actually have to take really good care of your body for it to blossom. we all know this. the more exercise and water i drink, the more clear my skin gets and the more sleep i get the less baggage i get under my eyes.

try and think of your body as a living breathing thing OUTSIDE of your self.

and it is literally the only one that you are going to get! well, unless you are going to be re-incarnated....but that is a whole other story! so i am going to start thinking about it this way. i am so complicated and there are so many sides to be nurtured: emotional, spirtual, sexual, physical...

which leads me back to love. love my body. take care of it as if it were something i cherished and wanted to keep for the rest of my life. i think i have been taking this for granted. for granted that i will always have youth and health.

my stepfathers mom, grandma annabell passed away today at the age of 80. we were not super close, but she was always so kind to me, i will defenitly have a sad place in my heart for her.

note!

I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose.

Margaret Cho, Margaret Cho\'s weblog, 03-23-06

it has been brought to my attention from my group of lovely, smart and bea-utiful friends that they are concerned about the information in this blog.

i should explain. i find myself in the cliche of haveing a love/hate relationship with my own body. CLICHE!i hate it!

i think that this space is going to help me work through those issues. hopefully what i am projecting here is HEALING not HURT.

i love you all so much for your concern, it was not my intention to invoke worry! i have come so far from the days of hydroxycut and eating this and that, or not.

i feel like there is something about being so open and honest with so many people that i have some sort of acountability instead of just making excuses to myself, like i always do/have done.

i want you all to know that it is so important to love yourself! that is my mission here. to come to a better place with the realtionship that i have with myself.

body image is SUCH a huge industry. HUGE.

margaret cho (idol!) put it best when she talks about the media. she says that advertising is nothing but billion upon billions of dollars spent by compaines to MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT so you will BUY THEIR PRODUCTS.

its all about money. they want me to feel to fat. too short too old so they can "fix" it for me.

i am trying to deal with that and so many more issues that i feel like i need to get out of my life. that is my blog.

i do LOVE that you girls are so worried for me. but dont be. this is HEALING!

all you need is love

i am begining to wonder if this english degree is not helping me. i have the ability to rationalize anything. as in, NOT working out. a walk or run today would have been so good for me and yet i was so busy doing other things that it just didnt happen.

did make good eating choices, and did stay in constant motion all dang day. except when watching the nutcracker...i do realize that was not a complete sentence. fyi.

i think at one point i was trying to love my body. its so fucking tricky. the key is to love your body and take care of it, but that is SO hard to do when you look at it and you see so many fucking flaws. which. honestly, sometimes i do see more than others. sometimes i am content. sometimes i am miserable. tricky tricky.

i do understand that i should NEVER hold my body to the standards that are present in the media.....but my own standards appear to being going up, as my age is inching higher. having another factor thrown in, the age factor, i feel like i am starting to look closer at things i never did.

the problem isnt just the size of my thighs anymore, its also the vericrose veins that are popping up, or if i have a double chin or not, but the little lines that are starting to appear around my eyes and mouth

NO WONDER plastic surgery is so popular. i get it. if you could fix something that is bugging you, why not? i have seriously thought about it. seriously. google images is ridiculously loaded with before and after pictures. its like, who wants to exercise, when you can pay some one to suck it out and shape you?

so back to square one. love my body. love it. unconditionally. every stretch mark, fat roll and dimple. its the only one i got, so i better take care of it, and that means LOVE it too.

the weather outside is.....

so. i did NOT run today. mostly because of the level 3 storm blowing around outside. it is actually impossible to walk around. i am however, going to be running around all day christmas shopping and getting shit done, which is always good cardio. i use the term "cardio" loosely, lest you believe that i actaully think that shopping is really a sweat breaker.

i did have a semi sensible breakie with lala and am getting the house cleaned up. this house cleaning thing, as you probablly know, doesnt ever stop. its kind of in prepetual motion.

im feeling good about the food choices that i have been making for hte last 3 days. lots of salads, and water. what IS it about this weather that makes me want to eat pot pie? i am obssessed!

its thoughts like this that make winter weight possible.

read: i am prepetually at my winter weight. am in the winter of mylife? NO WAY! its spring.

note: am going to my first HOT YOGA class in trinidad with kylee on friday. cant wait to sweat!

bummer

well, i def planned on taking a good jog this am, but couldnt manage to fall asleep until 4am. so that was not super conducive to jumping out of bed bright eyed and bushy tailed. i did get some dishes done and laundry put away, but that isnt quite considered cardio...

i think that i will run up and down the stairs at the airport today, or lift heavy boxes, maybe yoga? i can hide in the back. hiding is what i do best unfortunatley. i think that is why i like to stay in bed. im comfortable for once and i get to hide. hmmmmmm.......

Again!

girl meets boy. girl gains weight. girl leaves boy. girl loses weight. girl falls in love with man of her dreams, moves to humboldt, gains it back....

but i digress...

my name is susann, and damit it love to eat. i do. that is all there is to it really. i am starting this blog because i think that it will help me start this journey, AGAIN, to be the healthier and, lets face it, prettier me i know that i can be.

so i think that it is best to start this relationship honestly. i have gained some where between

30-35 pounds over the last 3 years, and would lke very much to get rid of it.

i am having this ridiculous mental block about actually getting exercise. it literally makes me want to cry when i think about it.

step one. post embarassing photos on the web as motivation and go for a run for gossakes!

step two. realize that i have written this list one hundred and thrity times before and that it only mostly works. prehaps the power of the internet will summon some sort super power that i can draw from...?

step three. just stop eating so much already.

step four. blog viciously for the next year and see what the hell hapens.

step five. note that this picture was taken at haloween, and it is a pretty good fat face picture.

i also would like to add that i find it terribly interesting that despite all of the things that i have taken out of my diet over the last 6 years or so: soda, fast food, meat exct...i always mange to stay fat. its like i could eat water and cabbage, smell chocolate and still gain weight...

see what happens tomorrow! a run? pilates? go1 go! go!