Aloha

Im sitting in our new (to us) apt in Kailuah looking out over mountains and palm trees and banana trees, geckos and a bitchin swimming pool.  My handsome husband is brushing his teeth and I feel so at home already and it has only been less than 24 hours and one giant cockroach.  There is this amazing smell in the air that peremeates everything.  Pictures to follow....
I am only here for a little less than a month, but I already cant wait to come home and truely be home.

ps, there are 7 korean bbq places in a 5 mile radius from here ;)

As the shadow follows the body, as we think, so we become."

I cant tell you how good that felt. Honestly. The thing in life that I am always searching for is change and growth. I believe that stagnation equals death. I like to believe life is somewhat like a flowing river, all the water constantly being moved and oxygenated, clean and alive. To become still, it would be more like a lake....stale, mossy, and murky. That is not to say that things can not live in a lake, they do, but the vibrancy of the water itself is not a rushing river. I am afraid that I was becoming stagnant. After writing that blog, and having so much clarity and perspective in my life was like climbing a mountain, realizing that I was finally at the top and breathing in and looking back at all that I had accomplished. Turning around on my proverbial mountain, of course I began to look forward and see the many many mountains that are in front of me. I smiled. I smiled HUGE. To be in a position where I finally understand that I AM the one in control of my life. It is not food, or my emotions, or my job, or my family...

My weight was/ is huge part of what is going on with me, but now I realize it was much more symptomatic to a larger, more underlying problem. I have always known that it was not the actual source of the problem, but a symptom of things internal that needed attention. I just never knew how to get that deep in...

Weight for me has been a way to hide. When things happen to you that make you want to never have attention from anyone, you find ways to disappear. I could have run everyday for the rest of my life and still had a problem with my weight and food and my emotions. I could have been 115 pounds and still struggle. I needed to get to the root of this problem. I needed to understand that not all people are bad, that I am safe. I have gotten most of this from being with Trev.
I look out at life now and I am really starting to not be so worried all the time. Growing up in household where violent screaming banshees seemed to materialize out of nowhere tends to scare the shit out of you when you are a small child. This tends to in turn make you want to hide and be SO careful of every thing, and everyone, and worry...

I am done worrying. Shit happens. It does. Cysts rupture on your ovaries, your grandfather might die, or all 3 in 2 years....you might not see your husband for 3 months, and your mother just might be so bat shit crazy you cant even talk to her...But guess what. This too shall pass.
I cant go through life worrying about being 5 minuets late, or getting a parking spot, or what is for dinner, or did i make enough food for everyone, or what will they think if I am fat... or the other 30,000 little things that make up a giant load of worry that I carry around everyday. Thing will work themselves out one way or another...

I am done hiding. I am ready to be out in the world, and although I understand that there will always be bad people and problems, and yes, bad things can still happen, but so can very good amazing things. I married the most amazing man I have met. I have loving, caring, wonderful friends that i can not live with out. I want to GO! BE! I cant wait.

I have been given hope. There is so much good in this world and love and damn it, I deserve ALL of it. friends that have been my rocks in this difficult time.

Simply Be

So. Because I never finish anything that i start, I am making an attempt here to pick this up again, and try my best. I have continued on this journey of self discovery and in re-reading my past blogs, almost incoherent ramblings, I realize that I was kind of floundering in the shallow end of the pool....doggy paddling furiously when all i really needed to do is to stand firmly on both legs, close my eyes, breath in deeply, and dive in....

In re-reading my past blogs, I am so glad that i wrote them, as crazy as they sound to me now, it provides for me, an excellent mile marker/comparison to where I was and where I am now, and where I would like to go.

If you are not aware of my current situation, which you most likely are not, since I have not blogged in 6 months, Trevor got a job as a Marine Tech on the KOA and KM, 2 research vessels from the University of Hawaii. He left July 6Th...About 5 weeks ago.

This was, apparently, the kind of change i needed to be able to focus, with out judgement or concern on myself. Please understand, that is not to say that I do not miss my husband with my whole heart everyday and am saddened that we are not together. It has, however created a space that I can work on myself in.

I am no longer bar tending, I quit my job and now work as front desk at Omshala for free yoga.

Yoga has taught me so many things.

Be present...
This seems like such a simple thing, and yet, we don't really do it. it is WAY too easy to just hurl myself, headlong into my days, my life, trying to keep the momentum and speed that i need just, it seems, to get through the day....Is that really living?
What quality is that if I see everyday as just another thing to get through, instead of something that I am blessed with and enjoy...regardless of the person who cuts me off in traffic, or the grumpy person on the other end of the phone.

Be Aware...
Awareness....Not only of my surroundings, but the way that i affect every single thing that i come into contact with, I touch, I smile ( or don't smile at), speak with, even look at... i cant even imagine, how much nicer the world would be if every person harnessed a little more of that ability to see things a little differently.

Be still....
I have had problems sleeping my whole life. Once in a while my brain gets itself so wrapped around a problem, or a person, or an insult, or a wrong I feel was commit ed against me that i literally feel like I can not turn it off. I am learning slowly to shut my brain down...not off completely, but to a different level... a level that lets me turn inward and quiet my ever buzzing thoughts. This in turn allows me to see the world more clearly and it is such a beautiful place when you stop taking things personally and start realizing that everyone has something going on that is affecting them in someway, and that love is always a nice response and option.

Be kind to yourself...
Kind on so many different levels...emotionally, physically, mentally.
Don't judge yourself....be as understanding to your own needs that you would be to a friend that you love dearly, family or others in your life. Offer support, quit time, chocolate, martinis, massages and hugs.

So, where does this leave my tummy and my butt, you ask....
I don't care anymore. That is not entirely true, but my perspective has shifted so greatly that it is true in a sense. I look at me, Susann Goodman, as a very complicated, layered person that is so much more that a patch of cellulite (or two ;) ). There are so many things in my life and my body that I should pay more attention to....breathing, smiling, laughing, posture....but all of this is interconnected...
part good taking good care my body is listening to it, giving what it needs....yoga has helped me, yes to lose weight, but also lose a mental load of badness and crazy standards that are A) not possible and B) not healthy or helping me to become the best Susann I can be.

There has been a lot of sadness and anger in the beginning of my life. I am finally in a place where i am able invite in happiness and love and REALLY mean it. I have begun to feel a stillness that i never knew existed, a place where, instead of judging (myself so very harshly and everyone else) I can quietly observe with out judgement and simply exist...Simply Be.