Simply Be

So. Because I never finish anything that i start, I am making an attempt here to pick this up again, and try my best. I have continued on this journey of self discovery and in re-reading my past blogs, almost incoherent ramblings, I realize that I was kind of floundering in the shallow end of the pool....doggy paddling furiously when all i really needed to do is to stand firmly on both legs, close my eyes, breath in deeply, and dive in....

In re-reading my past blogs, I am so glad that i wrote them, as crazy as they sound to me now, it provides for me, an excellent mile marker/comparison to where I was and where I am now, and where I would like to go.

If you are not aware of my current situation, which you most likely are not, since I have not blogged in 6 months, Trevor got a job as a Marine Tech on the KOA and KM, 2 research vessels from the University of Hawaii. He left July 6Th...About 5 weeks ago.

This was, apparently, the kind of change i needed to be able to focus, with out judgement or concern on myself. Please understand, that is not to say that I do not miss my husband with my whole heart everyday and am saddened that we are not together. It has, however created a space that I can work on myself in.

I am no longer bar tending, I quit my job and now work as front desk at Omshala for free yoga.

Yoga has taught me so many things.

Be present...
This seems like such a simple thing, and yet, we don't really do it. it is WAY too easy to just hurl myself, headlong into my days, my life, trying to keep the momentum and speed that i need just, it seems, to get through the day....Is that really living?
What quality is that if I see everyday as just another thing to get through, instead of something that I am blessed with and enjoy...regardless of the person who cuts me off in traffic, or the grumpy person on the other end of the phone.

Be Aware...
Awareness....Not only of my surroundings, but the way that i affect every single thing that i come into contact with, I touch, I smile ( or don't smile at), speak with, even look at... i cant even imagine, how much nicer the world would be if every person harnessed a little more of that ability to see things a little differently.

Be still....
I have had problems sleeping my whole life. Once in a while my brain gets itself so wrapped around a problem, or a person, or an insult, or a wrong I feel was commit ed against me that i literally feel like I can not turn it off. I am learning slowly to shut my brain down...not off completely, but to a different level... a level that lets me turn inward and quiet my ever buzzing thoughts. This in turn allows me to see the world more clearly and it is such a beautiful place when you stop taking things personally and start realizing that everyone has something going on that is affecting them in someway, and that love is always a nice response and option.

Be kind to yourself...
Kind on so many different levels...emotionally, physically, mentally.
Don't judge yourself....be as understanding to your own needs that you would be to a friend that you love dearly, family or others in your life. Offer support, quit time, chocolate, martinis, massages and hugs.

So, where does this leave my tummy and my butt, you ask....
I don't care anymore. That is not entirely true, but my perspective has shifted so greatly that it is true in a sense. I look at me, Susann Goodman, as a very complicated, layered person that is so much more that a patch of cellulite (or two ;) ). There are so many things in my life and my body that I should pay more attention to....breathing, smiling, laughing, posture....but all of this is interconnected...
part good taking good care my body is listening to it, giving what it needs....yoga has helped me, yes to lose weight, but also lose a mental load of badness and crazy standards that are A) not possible and B) not healthy or helping me to become the best Susann I can be.

There has been a lot of sadness and anger in the beginning of my life. I am finally in a place where i am able invite in happiness and love and REALLY mean it. I have begun to feel a stillness that i never knew existed, a place where, instead of judging (myself so very harshly and everyone else) I can quietly observe with out judgement and simply exist...Simply Be.