As the shadow follows the body, as we think, so we become."

I cant tell you how good that felt. Honestly. The thing in life that I am always searching for is change and growth. I believe that stagnation equals death. I like to believe life is somewhat like a flowing river, all the water constantly being moved and oxygenated, clean and alive. To become still, it would be more like a lake....stale, mossy, and murky. That is not to say that things can not live in a lake, they do, but the vibrancy of the water itself is not a rushing river. I am afraid that I was becoming stagnant. After writing that blog, and having so much clarity and perspective in my life was like climbing a mountain, realizing that I was finally at the top and breathing in and looking back at all that I had accomplished. Turning around on my proverbial mountain, of course I began to look forward and see the many many mountains that are in front of me. I smiled. I smiled HUGE. To be in a position where I finally understand that I AM the one in control of my life. It is not food, or my emotions, or my job, or my family...

My weight was/ is huge part of what is going on with me, but now I realize it was much more symptomatic to a larger, more underlying problem. I have always known that it was not the actual source of the problem, but a symptom of things internal that needed attention. I just never knew how to get that deep in...

Weight for me has been a way to hide. When things happen to you that make you want to never have attention from anyone, you find ways to disappear. I could have run everyday for the rest of my life and still had a problem with my weight and food and my emotions. I could have been 115 pounds and still struggle. I needed to get to the root of this problem. I needed to understand that not all people are bad, that I am safe. I have gotten most of this from being with Trev.
I look out at life now and I am really starting to not be so worried all the time. Growing up in household where violent screaming banshees seemed to materialize out of nowhere tends to scare the shit out of you when you are a small child. This tends to in turn make you want to hide and be SO careful of every thing, and everyone, and worry...

I am done worrying. Shit happens. It does. Cysts rupture on your ovaries, your grandfather might die, or all 3 in 2 years....you might not see your husband for 3 months, and your mother just might be so bat shit crazy you cant even talk to her...But guess what. This too shall pass.
I cant go through life worrying about being 5 minuets late, or getting a parking spot, or what is for dinner, or did i make enough food for everyone, or what will they think if I am fat... or the other 30,000 little things that make up a giant load of worry that I carry around everyday. Thing will work themselves out one way or another...

I am done hiding. I am ready to be out in the world, and although I understand that there will always be bad people and problems, and yes, bad things can still happen, but so can very good amazing things. I married the most amazing man I have met. I have loving, caring, wonderful friends that i can not live with out. I want to GO! BE! I cant wait.

I have been given hope. There is so much good in this world and love and damn it, I deserve ALL of it. friends that have been my rocks in this difficult time.